My good buddy Scott Paris was concerned. These texts were the result. Continue reading “I Don’t Get Pizza Because I’m not Josh Gwoban”
Dear All Four People Who Read This;
I know you’ve missed my ridiculous tales of school this summer…delightful tales in which garbage cans become normal places to munch from, raccoons become the objects of kicking, and libraries become the location of pickup lines and arranged marriages. Mourn not; in just a short 11 days I’ll be settling into my new dorm room and beginning my collection of ridiculous tales anew.
In the meantime, selected quotes from last year. You may or may not find these at all amusing, because they probably make no sense out of context.
Names changed to protect the innocent.
friend upon hearing of my fear to sit at the “sophomore table”: You can sit there if you want. Stop listening to the serpents that are telling you not to eat of the fruit of the grapevine.
friend on slang: “JK” means “not serious.”
friend on why I should appreciate some movie called “The Matrix,” about which I still am completely clueless: Wait, you’re from Iowa, right? So you like Chicago stuff? Because he wears a trench coat!
friend on relationships: Why would I need a girlfriend? I have a tractor!!
friend on the terrible state of the world these days: Did you know you can’t even register for a wedding at Dollar General?!
friend on her true feelings: If I were a sadistic person, which I am, deep down inside…
professor on her speech preferences: BUFFALO! I love that word!
friend on writing problems: How do you spell “MC”?
professor on detecting methods: I think that’s what Sherlock Holmes did. Besides cocaine.
friend on chorale neighbors: He takes up too much space for a skinny person.
friend on relationship preferences: This is nice and compact…just like I like my women!
professor on food: You can eat Lucky Charms without milk and still feel blessed. But to eat shredding wheat without milk–well, you just keep chewing and hope the saliva’s working.
friend on why she can’t promise me I’ll be one of her bridesmaids: Maybe you’ll DIE!!
friend on my mean face: You look like a butterfly dictator.
friend on skillz and a lack thereof: I’m worse at ping-pong than a horse that doesn’t even know how to walk.
friend on how to express remorse: See this? This is the deodorant of shame. WEAR IT.
friend on…I don’t even know what: I just wish I could feel something when I look into your eyes…
friend on braided hair: Sometimes, I think it would be fun to be a girl…
friend on food preferences: Yeah, jelly beans are gross. …wait. What am I saying? I think I actually like jelly beans. No. I LOVE jelly beans! What was I talking about??
friend on modernizing Song of Solomon: Your neck is like…the Servant Center! I don’t know. Would you rather have a neck like that, or a neck like “the tower of David builded for an armoury, whereon there hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men”?
For the most part, school is but a distant memory, and I’m happy that way. However, there are some stories from school which deserve remembrance, even during the summer. One of those is The Scott Paris School of Trust. One is Taking Walks with Kristen. And one is Things Boys Should Never Say to Girls.
Any boys reading this, take note. Never ever say these things to any female ever. Except me. You can say it to me because then I have something to blog about.
Things Boys Should Never Say to Girls
names redacted for privacy purposes
- “Betsy. No one cares how you feel!”
Thanks. Thanks a lot. Maybe I don’t care if you don’t care! …except, seeing as I’ve remembered it so long, I obviously do.
- “Betsy, you look like you should be a model … for cartoon faces.”
Um. Excuse me? How is that a good thing?
- “Betsy, your face just makes me think that one day you’re going to start biting and scratching people.”
Starting with you, sir.
- “Betsy, with a face like that, you’re sure to attract the village idiot some day!”
You know who you are.
- “Betsy, are you feeling okay? You don’t look good.”
I guess I should be thankful you actually DO care how I feel today…but the wording, sir, the wording. (This actually happened more than once.)
- “Betsy, are you sure you should be eating that chocolate cake?”
Why are we even friends.
I suppose there could potentially be things girls shouldn’t say to boys, too, but I’m fairly ignorant about that. Maaaaaybe that’s my problem…
When I began blogging, I was thinking primarily of the people back home. I like writing, and I like talking about myself, and I like my family (both nuclear, extended, and church), so blogging seemed like a natural choice when I moved away. I suppose I imagined that some people here might stumble across my little corner of the internet sometime, but I didn’t suppose they would find it of much interest or care about it. Therefore, I didn’t really worry about what I would think if I blogged about them.
Maybe it would have been polite to consider that.
You see, all these ridiculous stories are one-sided. And sometimes just the teensiest bit exaggerated. Not much, I promise. But I may take poetic license with a detail or word here or there. All in the interest of the story, of course. But that’s the thing: “the story” is my story. And I sorta kinda never asked anyone featured in any of my stories if they were OK with me blathering my opinion of them on this thing kids are calling “The Interwebs.”
Side note: every positive thing I said about my RA was completely accurate and most definitely not exaggerated in the least. Beautiful? Radient? Classy? Intelligent? Wonderful? Yes, and a thousand things more. I’m not the only one who thinks so, either. And I don’t think I need her permission to write about her because I’m sure she’s probably fine with it. Continue reading “On Blogging Ethics”
No, I don’t mean that I need to clean my room. Well, OK. My desk may be just a teensy-weensy bit messy. Also, I think I need to take out the trash. But Jenna and I have passed BOTH room inspections this week (unlike SOME people who got INFRACTIONS!), so we must be doing pretty well.
No, no. What I mean by “housekeeping” is that I have a few random, desultory, and otherwise catagory-less issues to address…beginning with fan mail.
Yes, you heard me correctly. Fan mail. Now, before you roll your eyes in exasperation at my presumptuousness, let me assure you, dear reader, that I am quite serious. I have fans! My mother, first of all, obviously. And since she’s like one of the coolest people to have ever graced the face of the terrestrial globe, I’m pretty proud of having acquired that fan. And also my bestest friends. But that’s not all. Two–yes, TWO!–students came up to me after my last post and told me they like my blog. And now one’s, like, pressuring me to write again because I’m so witty and I make her laugh and all that stuff. Sigh. Guys. It’s so difficult, dealing with fans! Also, now I may or may not have to watch whom I quote on here… But anyhow. Onto the fan mail.
Joy asks, “HOW do you hurt you FOOT playing SPOONS!?!”
Well, you see, this college is very much unlike my previous college in that the majority of the student body is under 25 instead of over 45. So instead of playing normal spoons with the spoons in the center of a circle and then taking them surreptitiously, we just threw them all around the lounge or had people hide them and then raced to see who could get them first. I did, at a great cost to my chubby little foot.
From the Ruthron: “I…have a very strong urge to do a cover of Constant Angel that’s ABC approved for you.”
DO IT. Please. Por favor. 請. And all the other ways to say please that I don’t know. (Also, the Ruthron sent me some super sweet randomly selected encouraging verses of the day in the mail Tuesday. Or Wednesday. Whatever. They were this and this, if you want to be encouraged, too.)
Second, a poll. My lovely aforementioned Mother, Mother, Best AND Dearest OF Mothers intelligently suggested that my new title be either the “Jubilated Librarian” or the “Bookish Bellringer.” My problem is that I don’t know which is cooler. Ergo, you get to be the deciding voice!
Um. Wait. I THOUGHT THERE WAS AN “INSERT POLL” BUTTON! Shoot. I was going to be all fancy and everything, in keeping with my new Very Interesting Campus Blogger personality. Sigh. Y’all can just comment, k?
Third, an update to the scores, since Mother, Mother, Best AND Dearest OF Mothers had such wonderful suggestions:
Mother, Mother, etc.
If you’d like points of your own, simply mail me a picture of a purple sparkly dancing cat.
And last, but not least, your favorite part…“Overheard at ABC!” Student who will not be named: “I don’t want to be a nun. I’m FAR too fond of the idea of being pregnant!”
Pray for us, guys.
Guys. Remember that last post where I was feeling whiny? Just kidding.
I am absolutely loving being here.
I love working in the library. I worked again today and got to do “accessioning,” (which is totes NOT as cool at cataloging…I don’t get to pick out the 650 fields!…but still quite enjoyable) and help people find books and eavesdrop on conversations… “You know what would make my day 10,000 times better? If a girl would propose and ask me to marry her.” Um. 什麼?
I love being a part of the Jubilate. Ok, ok. All we did today was learn how to set up and take down the bell tables. But yesterday we got to listen to last year’s Jubilate play in chapel and it was incredible. I AM SO EXCITED! THAT’LL BE ME NEXT YEAR!!!
I love being part of the chorale. I haven’t yet been told I’m not in, so I’m assuming I am in, for now at least. May I just say that there’s nothing quite as gorgeous as a good manly voice? It’s like singing with Josh Grobans. Minus the cello eyes. Sigh.
I love going to classes. Archaeology? Yes! Psychology? Yes! Apologetics? Yes! Sociology of the Family? Yes! Intro to Computers? Well….ok. Maybe not as much. But still. My professor asked us to introduce ourselves today by giving our names, favorite candy, and what celebrity we resemble (I don’t know! Josh Groban, maybe? That’s the only celebrity I know!), and he said he’ll start each class with some Calvin & Hobbes. So it will be good.
I love hanging out with friends. Whether it’s having my childhood twitterpation dreams crushed by my roomie, chatting with my fellow librarians (Kristin is the best, of course!!), or taking turns with the clicky counter as people enter the dining hall, this is just really fun.
What I love most of all, though, is what I did tonight–just gathered with a group to sing praises to our great God during free time. These people really love the Lord. In the “GUYS! We’re CHILDREN OF GOD! That is AWESOME, amen? Let’s sing to Him!!! Can we pray together before we leave?” kind of way.
Yup, I’m loving it. Thanks, Father, for letting me be a part of this school.