I Don’t Get Pizza Because I’m not Josh Gwoban

So Friday night this happened and made it to the Facespace.Betsy the Bobbed

My good buddy Scott Paris was concerned. These texts were the result.


 

10:19 PM
Dear Betsy Brown,
An image has surfaced in which you appear to have different hair. The physical properties of said hair are significantly lessened of late. We the undersigned believed that the aforementioned image has been falsified and does not accurately represent the state of your current locks.

-Scott Paris and friends
P.S. Pastor Carl wants to know if you cut your hair.

10:26 PM
Dear Scott Paris, Friends, and the unknown “Pastor Carl”;

I greatly appreciate your concern about my hair and its length, but I must confess some apprehension regarding your seemingly negative feedback. Shortening my locks has long been an idea of mine, and as some difficult circumstances have arisen of late, I thought some changes were necessary. However, it appears that you and your cohorts perhaps disapprove, significantly lowering my self image. However, what is done is done.
Sincerely, Betsy Brown

10:29 PM
Dear Betsy Brown,
Yeah. It’s fake.

Scott Paris and Friends
P.S. Pastor Carl wants to know if your hair is reusable.

10:32 PM
Dear Scott Paris, etc.;
I really don’t appreciate your cavalier attitude towards my feelings.
P.S. My hair is in new enough condition that it is salable, which I have looked into.

10:37 PM
Dear Betsy Brown,
Pastor Carl
Pastor Carl is in great need of your luscious locks. How many square feet of hair do you have? Do you think it would cover this expanse?
-Scott and friends and Pastor Carl

10:47 PM
Dear Scott&co.;
Hair is never measured in square feet; I have a ponytail 24″ long and 3″ thick, more than ample to give Pastor Carl a luscious mullet, if he so desires. However, as it is in such pristine condition, I fear it may be out of his price range…
Sincerely, Betsy the Bobbed

10:58 PM
Dear Betsy Brown,
Our math team is currently doing the calculations to figure the square inchage of your hair. However, we are confident that it will be sufficient to cover Pastor Carl’s dome. We would like to begin discussions about a payment plan or some sort of other compensation. Perhaps some sort of service in exchange for your goods. Pastor Carl’s skills include preaching, shepherding, rebuking, debating, always being right, ping pong, and underwater basket weaving.
-Scott Paris and the financial team
P.S. Your hair is 169 cubic inches.

11:09 PM
Dear S.P., P.C., and the mathematics team;
While I am quite impressed by your mad math skillz, I much confess to being quite secular in that I prefer filthy lucre to ping pong. College tuition, you see. How about chocolate? Or a pizza? My friends and I are hungry.

11:25 PM
But seriously, do you have food?


This was the end of our exchange. I continued working on homework until it became obvious that no food was forthcoming. (We were legit hungry.) Then I went to bed.

Maybe if I had been nominated for a Grammy TWO TIMES!, I could have gotten that pizza.

In other news, this is what it’s like being an RA:

From my duckies

Yes, that is the lid to a toilet tank…outside my bedroom door.

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6 thoughts on “I Don’t Get Pizza Because I’m not Josh Gwoban

  1. “Meg, your one true beauty!!” sorry I just had to. By the way how did you do that? I actually like you with all of your epic hairfulness!

    • You can see in the “bob” picture someone else’s arm holding my hair back so it looks shorter…but believe me, I won’t be cutting it anytime soon. Especially not like that. I look terrible.

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