Dear All Four People Who Read This;
I know you’ve missed my ridiculous tales of school this summer…delightful tales in which garbage cans become normal places to munch from, raccoons become the objects of kicking, and libraries become the location of pickup lines and arranged marriages. Mourn not; in just a short 11 days I’ll be settling into my new dorm room and beginning my collection of ridiculous tales anew.
In the meantime, selected quotes from last year. You may or may not find these at all amusing, because they probably make no sense out of context.
Names changed to protect the innocent.
friend upon hearing of my fear to sit at the “sophomore table”: You can sit there if you want. Stop listening to the serpents that are telling you not to eat of the fruit of the grapevine.
friend on slang: “JK” means “not serious.”
friend on why I should appreciate some movie called “The Matrix,” about which I still am completely clueless: Wait, you’re from Iowa, right? So you like Chicago stuff? Because he wears a trench coat!
friend on relationships: Why would I need a girlfriend? I have a tractor!!
friend on the terrible state of the world these days: Did you know you can’t even register for a wedding at Dollar General?!
friend on her true feelings: If I were a sadistic person, which I am, deep down inside…
professor on her speech preferences: BUFFALO! I love that word!
friend on writing problems: How do you spell “MC”?
professor on detecting methods: I think that’s what Sherlock Holmes did. Besides cocaine.
friend on chorale neighbors: He takes up too much space for a skinny person.
friend on relationship preferences: This is nice and compact…just like I like my women!
professor on food: You can eat Lucky Charms without milk and still feel blessed. But to eat shredding wheat without milk–well, you just keep chewing and hope the saliva’s working.
friend on why she can’t promise me I’ll be one of her bridesmaids: Maybe you’ll DIE!!
friend on my mean face: You look like a butterfly dictator.
friend on skillz and a lack thereof: I’m worse at ping-pong than a horse that doesn’t even know how to walk.
friend on how to express remorse: See this? This is the deodorant of shame. WEAR IT.
friend on…I don’t even know what: I just wish I could feel something when I look into your eyes…
friend on braided hair: Sometimes, I think it would be fun to be a girl…
friend on food preferences: Yeah, jelly beans are gross. …wait. What am I saying? I think I actually like jelly beans. No. I LOVE jelly beans! What was I talking about??
friend on modernizing Song of Solomon: Your neck is like…the Servant Center! I don’t know. Would you rather have a neck like that, or a neck like “the tower of David builded for an armoury, whereon there hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men”?